Missing My Mom

Most of you know that my mom passed away in April. The past month has been a whirlwind of decisions, tears, anger, frustration, desperation, and overwhelming grief! In the process of living I didn't see my mother was dying, and I have guilt, and regret that sometimes overtakes me.

At the same time, I have precious memories, and the thankfulness of the times we spent together, and the nights I was with her in the hospital before she passed.

Day time in the hospital she rested better, had visitors etc. but in the night she couldn't sleep, couldn't breath and at times would beg me to help her. It was soo terrible to want to make her comfortable, to want to FIX her, and not be able to do a thing! She had also made it known that she didn't want her life prolonged,  and had a living will, so our hands were tied on what we could and could not do!

She would tell me she wanted to go home ( meaning Heaven) and I knew she missed my dad, and was tired and ready to leave this world, but one night I begged her to stay, I told her I loved her, and that I needed her, but she calmly told me that she loved me too and  I would be ok, I would be alright, and that everything was going to be ok. But right now things don't feel ok, my world has been turned upside down, and my ROCK, my solidarity, the one thing in my life I could ALWAYS count on is gone, and I'm lost! I am an orphan!

I know that I will go on, and that mom was right that I will be ok, and I know that she is at peace, and in heaven, and not tired anymore, but many days I just can't seem to get by.

Yesterday I got a goat milking stand. A silly thing to most, but the minute I got it, I wanted to call mom and tell her, I am setting up my little mini farm and would call her when I had accomplished any little thing. I called her when I got my little chicken coop built,when my chickens laid their first egg, etc. etc. and now she is GONE, no one to call, no one to share my excitement over my little farm with, no one that really would UNDERSTAND like my mom!

I miss you mom, soo much, and love you dearly. I wish you were here..... Thanks for listening everyone ...I am just missing my mom!